On Housekeeping

Here's a story written by a  youngster about his parents:


My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper. 

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." 

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."

A Student's Bright Answer

Here's one student's very good answer to a question in his Elementary Science class:

Teacher:  John, name at least six (6) animals that live in the Arctic.

John: 3 polar bears and 3 seals.

A Job Applicant's Mistake

Did you ever try sending an application letter and its attachment unchecked for the last minute before sealing the envelope? It would be embarrassing to have sent one with the wrong attachment, say, a copy of your grocery items or your income tax return. Related to this is a story below about a Registered Nurse who did not check what she sent to her prospective employer. Read on......

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Lesson: Always check the contents of  application letters' envelope  before posting them.

What Not to Do with pictures

Now I know what not to do with my class pictures.....

Looking Back on Photos

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled".

thanks to arcamax

If Johnny Were A Millionaire...

In a classroom: "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" 

Everyone but Johnny, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. 

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied. 

- from arcamax

A Spice of Marriage

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 

"Relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
______________


from arcamax

Miniature Cleaning Tools for Her

Here's something for us... wives......

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!! 

New To Computer

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." 

arcamax

The "Intellectual" Lady

Here's one hilarious anecdote of a student. Read on.........

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'" 

from arcamax

Worst Memory Problem

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

School Jokes

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!
_____________________________
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
________________________________
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
__________________________________
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
______________________________________
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
__________________________________________________
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
_________________________________________
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

Don't Mess Around with Intelligent Women

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their 
lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and 
decides  to take a nap. Although not familiar with 
the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She 
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet 
up, and begins to read her book.  

The peace and solitude are magnificent. 

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his  boat.  
He pulls up  alongside the woman and says, 'Good 
morning,  Ma'am. What are you doing?' 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that 
obvious?') 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.  

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all 
I know you could start at any  moment. I'll have 
to take you in and write you up.'  

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual 
assault,' says the woman.  

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game  
Warden. 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For  
all I know you could start at any moment.' 

'Have a nice day ma'am.' 

______

From jokedujour

Who's In Dominion?

Who's under your dress?

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'." 

One Kiss Per Yard

Here is an anecdote I've  just found that's rather funny and a lesson to guys who sometimes take their time making fun out of  girls for  being girls.

______________________

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. 

With or Without You?

 There must be something with the use of punctuation marks. In written English, we understand each other by the correct usage of punctuation marks. Mechanics of writing, as they say, put meanings to the way we write our messages. Here's a good example:

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.


The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."


The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."