Woman's Power

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

On Housekeeping

Here's a story written by a  youngster about his parents:


My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper. 

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." 

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."

A Student's Bright Answer

Here's one student's very good answer to a question in his Elementary Science class:

Teacher:  John, name at least six (6) animals that live in the Arctic.

John: 3 polar bears and 3 seals.

A Job Applicant's Mistake

Did you ever try sending an application letter and its attachment unchecked for the last minute before sealing the envelope? It would be embarrassing to have sent one with the wrong attachment, say, a copy of your grocery items or your income tax return. Related to this is a story below about a Registered Nurse who did not check what she sent to her prospective employer. Read on......

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Lesson: Always check the contents of  application letters' envelope  before posting them.

Girlie Things (1)

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

What Not to Do with pictures

Now I know what not to do with my class pictures.....

Looking Back on Photos

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled".

thanks to arcamax

Cleanliness Can Bring Trouble

The Bride

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it." 

from arcamax

If Johnny Were A Millionaire...

In a classroom: "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'" 

Everyone but Johnny, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. 

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied. 

- from arcamax

A Wife's Reasons

Here are items from a reasonable wife:

What I don't do...

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". 

I like number 7 most..lol

A Spice of Marriage

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 

"Relatives of yours?" 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
______________


from arcamax

Miniature Cleaning Tools for Her

Here's something for us... wives......

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!! 

Vampires Can't See In The Dark

Happy Halloween!!!

_______________

One evening, two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

New To Computer

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." 

arcamax

The "Intellectual" Lady

Here's one hilarious anecdote of a student. Read on.........

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'" 

from arcamax

Young Ones in Love

Give and take. 

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?" 

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means..... 

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house. 

from arcamax jokes

Worst Memory Problem

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

"Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?"

"Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?"

School Jokes

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!
Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!
_____________________________
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
________________________________
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
__________________________________
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
______________________________________
Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!
__________________________________________________
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!
_________________________________________
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

Don't Mess Around with Intelligent Women

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their 
lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and 
decides  to take a nap. Although not familiar with 
the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She 
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet 
up, and begins to read her book.  

The peace and solitude are magnificent. 

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his  boat.  
He pulls up  alongside the woman and says, 'Good 
morning,  Ma'am. What are you doing?' 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn't that 
obvious?') 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.  

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all 
I know you could start at any  moment. I'll have 
to take you in and write you up.'  

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual 
assault,' says the woman.  

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game  
Warden. 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For  
all I know you could start at any moment.' 

'Have a nice day ma'am.' 

______

From jokedujour

When Forrest Gump Went To Heaven

It's not that Forrest Gump is funny. It is his way of answering questions that makes me smile. I think he must be a wise man. Read on......

_______________________

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.


St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."


St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second: How many seconds are there in a year?


Third: What is God's first name?"


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."


Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.


"How many seconds in a year?"


"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."


Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"


Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."


"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?


"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."


"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"


"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."