On Housekeeping

Here's a story written by a  youngster about his parents:


My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper. 

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." 

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."

Girlie Things (1)

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

Men vs. Women

When God created men and women, he designed each gender to have its own distinct qualities.....each to have a different  view about doing things,etc... The following differences between men and women really are very true. I have just realized the statements about "BATHROOMS", "SHOES",  and "DRESSING UP" apply to me and my hubby...lol

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

from arcamax
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dinner Date and Disgrace

Hoss met his close friend Rich for guidance, and 
narrated to him that he recently met the girl of 
his dreams. He asked Richard advise as to how 
should he proceed now!

The wise Rich said, "Well, send her roses, and on 
the name card invite her for a home-cooked 
meal."

Hoss liked the idea, so he followed Rich's advice 
and invited the woman.

Next day after the dinner Rich called Hoss and 
asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go. 

Hoss cried, "It flopped."

Rich asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come to your house?"

Hoss said, "She came, but she refused to cook and 
left angrily!" 

Cleanliness Can Bring Trouble

The Bride

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it." 

from arcamax

Messy Husband

Here's a story about a messy husband. It's sad the "wife" who always complained about his being messy didn't still know why he left...lol

Messy Husband

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things." 

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'" 

The first woman asked, "Did it help?" 

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

____________ 

from arcamax

One Wish Genie

There's this old but good joke about genies, wishes, and marriage. So far, I found this one very funny. Read on.....

_______

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. 

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" 

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." 

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good man." 

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that map again..." 

from arcamax

Marriage Questions That Kids Tried To Answer

Happy New Year!!!

Here are some questions that kids tried to answer. I'm just wondering how they understood each question posed.

_______________

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10 

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? 

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? 

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 


It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 

"And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 

from arcamax

A Wife's Reasons

Here are items from a reasonable wife:

What I don't do...

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". 

I like number 7 most..lol

Write it, please.....

George and Samantha were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then George realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, George  woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests...

Miniature Cleaning Tools for Her

Here's something for us... wives......

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.

Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before the cast will be off!!!